Poo, Merde and Dave The Laugh
by dancingmango
Summary: With the Sex God off to Kiwi-a-gogo Land, who knows where Georgia's red bottomosity could lead her? UPDATED!
1. The Sex God's Stupidiosity

A/N This is my first fanfic, so please be nice! 

Disclaimer: The only character I own in this fanfic is Mr Twiggy (don't ask- read on instead), the rest of them belong to Louise Rennison. 

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Chapter 1 - The Sex God's Stupidiosity 

Friday 17 June 

06.30pm Life is poo. 

06.31pm Life is _merde_. 

06.32pm In fact, life is triple _merde_ with knobs on. 

06.33pm What is wrong with the Sex God? He has abandoned his wonderful career as a pop star (full of glamourosity) and gone to live with sheep! For a year! Yes, it's true, Robbie has chosen Kiwi-a-gogo land over snogging _moi._ In other words, he has moved to New Zealand. 

07.55pm Feeling a bit peckish now actually. Maybe I'll go downstairs and find a nourishing snack (ie. a pop tart) if I can be bothered. All this miseriosity has given me an appetite; I need to keep my strength up. 

08.00pm I have just met my mad cat Angus on my way to the kitchen. He had a little furry thing in his mouth. It was still wriggling so I thought I'd better confiscate it. Unfortunately Angus didn't want to let go, he put up a good fight. 

08.02pm After having finally reached the bottom of the stairs, Libby comforted me with these kind words, "Heggo Gingey, you habe jammy on your leg." I looked down to find my leg bright red. There was quite literally a river of blood streaming down my leg and onto the carpet. I had only one word to say. 

"F***." 

08.05pm I have wrapped up my leg in an old towel. Hopefully Mutti won't notice. 

08.30pm I hobbled downstairs for some food and found my dear Mutti and Vati practically eating each other. I am living in a house of porn. What does Mutti see in him, his snoggosity is as good as a cabbages. I mean, I _aime les_ cabbages very much, but it's true, he does. 

11.00pm Have finally remembered why I went downstairs in the first place, to feed my sadnosity. Oh Robbie, how will I ever live without you? 

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Finished. Phew! Did you like it? I'm putting the first 3 chapters up for starters but if I get five reviews I will update, so if you want more, please r & r. 


	2. Libby's New Word

Disclaimer: The only character I own in this fanfic is Mr Twiggy (don't ask- read on instead), the rest of them belong to Louise Rennison. 

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Chapter 2 - Libby's New Word 

Saturday 18 June 

08.00am Was woken up at the unearthly hour of 7.30 by my darling Mutti. Honestly, I will end up in the ugly home if I don't get my beauty sleep. And I had a face mask on. 

"Georgia, get yourself out of bed this instant and EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" 

"Hello Mutti," I chirped cheerfully as I peered out of my bedroom. "I'm a bit busy right now, you know, with sleep and all that, how about I come down in a few hours?" 

"Georgia, come here. NOW!" 

"Mutti, just because you made the terrible mistake of marrying Vati, and not the gorgeous Dr Clooney down the road, there is no need to take it out on me." 

"Don't be rude." Rude? She wakes me up, shouts at me and then calls _moi_ rude? 

Mutti screamed, "HOW DARE YOU SWEAR IN FRONT OF LIBBY!!!" 

I replied with an answer full of wisdomosity. 

"I have never done such a thing." 

"Well, five minutes ago, Libby was singing a lovely song. Involving the f-word. And when I asked her where she learnt the word she said, "Gingey bought it me." So." 

__

Merde, I thought. Triple _merde_ and poo. 

"Aaah, yes, well... Mutti, in case you haven't noticed, there is a scar running up my leg where Angus attacked me yesterday. It hurt, so I swore. However, you were too busy snogging your darling Vati to notice." 

"Go back to your room then." 

"That is precisely what I intend to do." 

"Good" 

"Oh, Mutti, while I'm up, I'm going to Costas today, can I have-" 

"NO YOU CANNOT HAVE A FIVER!" 

"But Mum!" 

But Mutti just tutted and adjusted her bra. 

01.00pm Meeting the Ace Crew (i.e. _Moi_, Rosie, Jas, Jools, Mabs and Ellen) at Costas to plan our next course of action re. The Beret War. This is the war between us and the sadists (teachers) who force us to wear these stupid berets to school. Yes, berets. _Tres pathetico_. 

02.00pm I am a genius. My idea for our berets has once again surpassed all others. 

"Come on then Gee, what's the plan?" asked Rosie. 

"Well, _mes petites_ _amies_, _c'est tres_ simple. You turn the beret upside down, turn up the edges, and_ voila_, a sailor's hat." We are putting Operation Sailor into action on Monday. 

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As I said in the last chapter, if I get five reviews I will update. Please review, it will make me smile! : ) 


	3. My Red Bottomosity

Disclaimer:The only character I own in this fanfic is Mr Twiggy (don't ask- read on instead), the rest of them belong to Louise Rennison. 

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Chapter 3 - My Red Bottomosity 

Sunday 19 June 

11.30pm Same bat time. Same bat place. Nothing has happened AT ALL, I may as well be dead. 

11.35pm Libby has just snuggled into my bed with all her little friends, Charlie Horse and co. 

Scuba - Diving Barbie has got very sharp fingers, they're digging into my neck. 

11.40pm Libby is singing, "F*** f*** f*** f***ety f*** f*** f***" in her sleep. Oh dear. 

(A/N I'm sorry, but I know all too well that some people won't be able to read on if I don't use the *s.) 

Monday 20 June 

08.30am First day back at Stalag 14, and the launch of Operation Sailor. I spent a whole hour this morning trying to decide how much make-up I can get away with. With Hawkeye as my form tutor, probably not much. So eventually, I just put on 3 layers of foundation, 2 layers of lippy plus lip gloss, blusher, mascara and 5 layers of eyeshadow, and left it at that. 

08.45am Met Jas on the way to school. 

"Did Rosie tell you about her birthday disco?" 

"_Non_... Please, _ma petite amie_, tell me more," I replied, full of interestiosity. 

"Everyone's invited. It's on a Saturday, in a few weeks time. Tom's coming." 

"_Oui_..." 

"He's just got back from Birmingham!" 

"I was asking about the party, not the brother of the Sex God." (Alas, life is so cruel, Robbie leaves for Kiwi-a-gogo land while his brother stays behind to go bird watching with Jas. Madness must run in the Jennings family.) But Jas was looking all dreamy and twiddling with her fringe. 

"He gave me another love bite yesterday. On my knee." She lifted her skirt a couple of inches to show me (Jas is one of those rare people whose skirt is actually the right length). I didn't want to see it but I looked anyway to be polite. 

"Erlack! It's bright purple!" _Sacre_ bloody _bleu_. My friend is being eaten alive by a giant vampire bat. 

09.00am Hawkeye's face when she saw our 'sailor' berets! _Tres amusant_. When she called the register Rosie answered with, "Aye Aye, Cap'n!" Oh, how we laughed. 

02.00pm Comedy comedy extraordinaire! We were strolling through the grounds, practising the essential arts of chatting and applying make-up, when, totally by coincidenciosity, we came across Elvis Attwood's hut. Mr Attwood is the school caretaker, called Elvis partly because he broke his hip trying to do the limbo, and partly because...er, that's it. 

(A/N I dunno if that's the right reason, but I can't be bothered to check.) 

"_J'ai_ _une_ idea," I said. " Everybody spread out round the hut. I'll start knocking on the wall, but just as Elvis gets to my side, somebody else start knocking. He'll get all confused- it'll be _tres, tres amusant_. 

"Oh, do we have to?" whined Jas. "We always get into so much trouble when we do this kind of stuff." 

"Please do this for me Jas, as a severe duffing often offends." 

02.30pm It worked! Haha! On incy wincy little flaw though- Elvis saw us, so we all have detention tomorrow. Jas isn't talking to me. Ah well. 

03.45pm Aaaargh! Dave the Laugh was outside the school gates today. Ellen still really fancies him, despite the fact that he dumped her only last week. 

"Dave!" She shrieked. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! What should I do? What if he wants to talk to me? What if he wants to talk to someone else? Is he going to ask me out again? Should I say yes? Oh my god, I don't even have any make-up on!" So while Ellen was dithering behind us, trying to make herself look natural with panstick etc., we formed a protective barrier in front of her. I think Dave was quite surprised when Ellen just popped out of nowhere. 

"Hi Dave!" She said, just a little bit too high-pitched. Honestly. _Tres pathetico_. 

"Hey Ellen, how're you diddlin'?" Mad. Dave is mad, _tres_ mad. I wonder if Sven, Rosie's mental boyfriend from Swedenland, has rubbed off on him? 

"Oh, I'm - er, I'm fine. Are you going to Rosie's disco?" 

"Yeah, I am. Looking forward to it. Listen, Gee, can I talk to you for a minute?" Hahahahahaha. He wants to talk to me. Poor Ellen. She tried so hard as well. Hahaha. 

"Sure. Go on, _mes petites amies_, you need not wait _pour moi_." I signalled for the Ace Crew to go. Ellen was now full of blubberiosity. 

"Gee, I know you're probably a bit upset still about Robbie going off to New Zealand, but I still really, really like you, and if there's any chance that you might like me back..." 

Aaargh. Yet another decision to make. 

"Gee, I dumped Ellen because every time we went out I kept wishing it was you beside me." 

How touching. Do go on. 

"Think about it. Please." 

"OK." 

08.30pm Phone rang. Mutti and Vati clearly too busy snogging to pick it up, so I had to trudge all the way downstairs. 

"_Oui_?" 

"Georgia, it's me." Aaargh. Dave the Laugh- what did he want now? I was in the middle of shaving my legs. 

"Have you thought about it?" 

"Er-" 

"Yes?" 

"Robbie!" I cried. Dammit dammit dammit. That was a stupid thing to say. Why do I always let slip stuff like that? 

"Gee, Robbie isn't going to expect you to be loyal to him for a whole year, but if you want it that way..." 

"No! Right! Too long! You! A laugh!" What am I saying? I have been overcome by stupidiosity. 

"So, do you want to go out with me?" 

"Er, well, um..." Oh, to hell with it all. "Yes. I would." I didn't mean to say that! Oh goddy god! Curse my red bottomosity! 

"Great. How about we go to Costas on Saturday, about 2 o' clock?" 

"Er- ok." 

"See you later gorgeous." He put the phone down. 

09.00pm It is slowly starting to sink in. I am once again going out with Dave the Laugh. 

09.01pm AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! 

09.02pm No. I must act with wisdomosity. Think, brain, think. Wisdomosity. 

09.03pm _Merde_. I am knee deep in _merde_. Can life get any worse? 


	4. Angus : Call of the Wild

A/N Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed my first chapters! This is my first fanfic and it was really exciting to find that other people liked it. Heehee! It made me smile all day. : ) I promised I'd update after 5 reviews, so this is it. I'm sorry I've been so long, my brother has a new computer game and will not let me get to the computer to type things up. Maybe if I took a sledgehammer to Star Wars: Jedi Academy, that might do the trick. (Heehee JOKE!!! (that's what you think, mwhahahahahaha...) 

Disclaimer: Mr Twiggy is my very own + my most wonderful creation to date. Nobody else in this story belongs to me in any way, they all belong to Louise Rennison (*sob* wish I had thought of them first. However this is not the case.) 

Anyway, on to Chapter 4... 

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Chapter 4 - Angus: Call of the Wild 

Tuesday 21 June 

05.30am Woke up to find Libby bending over me, grinning like a loon on loon tablets. 

"Gingey move," she said. "Gingey snuggle." And she wormed her way into my bed and sneezed on me. Ugh. The worst of it is, all our tissues AND toilet paper have been used up in Libbs' new 'project', i.e. a hammock for Scuba Diving Barbie, Charlie Horse and the rest of her little friends. 

So I'm lying here with snot all over my brand new pyjamas (and I mean ALL over my pyjamas) with Libby hitting me, saying "Gingey keep still." 

Why? Why do I allow myself to be bullied by a runny nosed toddler? 

Life really is poo. 

08.15am Bugger. Am supposed to meet Jas in half an hour. No, wait. Jas isn't talking to me, because I come up with such witty and hilarious ways to torture Elvis Attwood. 

08.16am However I still have to go to school, Jas or no Jas. 

08.17am I wonder what my life would be like, if Jas died? What would I wear to her funeral? Probably my pencil skirt and my new black top from Morgan. Maybe that would be too dressy for a funeral. 

08.18am I wouldn't be able to wear any make-up. I wouldn't want mascara running down my cheeks. 

08.19am Maybe I'd wear that black polo neck from Miss Selfridge instead... 

SHUT UP, BRAIN!!! 

08.20am Double bugger with knobs on. In 25 minutes, I have to: have a shower, decide on outfit, find and put on outfit, probably take everything off and put something else on, put my make up on, eat a nourishing snack ( a Pop Tart) and get to Jas' house and persuade her that I am a fabitty fab and totally marvy person and she loves me really. But first, I have to get rid of Libbs. 

08.30am Right. Have had shower. Now, what to wear? 

08.35am I can't wear this. It makes me look like I've just escaped from the ugly home. 

08.40am Clothes on now. What time is it? _Sacre _bloody_ bleu_, five minutes to put on make up and get out of house. Who on earth can make themselves look natural in five bloody minutes. Claudia Schiffer, maybe. 

08.50am Hurrah! I have had no food, and only put on 2 layers of eye shadow, but I can do the foundation etc. at school. If Hawkeye doesn't catch me. 

08.55am Jas is still not talking to me. I have tried everything; bribing her with Pop Tarts, new blusher etc., telling her witty and hilarious jokes, tickling her... but she is ignoring me. 

08.56am New plan of action. I asked her if she had seen Tom lately. She turned round, her fringe positively quivering with excitement, and told me about the bird watching trip they went on last night. 

Typical. My best friend will only talk to me about bird watching. 

06.30pm As usual, chaos reigns under our roof. Mutti and Vati are having a little 'party' with the neighbours. In other words, everyone else in the street has come over to complain about Angus. The mob contains: 

1. The postman, whose leg is in stitches from an Angus attack. 

2. Mr and Mrs Next Door, because they have to tell their niece that she no longer has a guinea pig, because Angus ate it. Guinea pig sounds _tres stupide_ for not keeping out of his way, if you ask me. 

3. The headmistress of the local primary school. Apparently Angus was terrorising the little children into tears. If they'd just given him the beanie babie to start off with, none of it would have happened. 

4. The bell ringers. They can't ring bells with ropes ripped to shreds, they say. Pretty bloody useless bell ringers then. They have to learn to adapt to their natural environment, i.e. one with a mad Scottish wildcat on the loose. 

The police officer is also here, looking a bit awkward because Mutti is wearing a top that shows CLEAVAGE. And she's wearing MAKE UP. To top it all off, she keeps giggling and saying, "Of course, Officer, we _quite_ understand. _Anything _we can do to help." Vati is redder than a tomato. It's his fault, if his snoggosity wasn't lower than a dung beetle's Mutti might not try to run off with other men in front of him. 

07.00pm The 'nice young policeman' says that unless Angus is kept under control, he's going to have to be put down. The injusticiosity of it all makes me want to show that stupid postman what an attacked leg really looks like. 

11.00pm _Sacre_ bloody _bleu_. Only 4 days to go until my date with Dave the Laugh. Do I have any outfits that Angus has not yet torn to pieces? Or any that have not been splattered with baked beans etc. from when Libby borrows them? 

Must begin emergency search mission. 

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Haha! Finished! Onto Chapter 5... but only if you review. (You see how my cunning plan unfolds... Mwahahahah!) 

Thank you once again to my most wonderful reviewers, the first five were: 

Freakyfairy - haha! Did not need Sledgehammer or the Yack to get five reviews. Did not need ur truly wonderful plan. 

BECKY41- yes moi also surprised to have managed to get it on fanfic. I had a lot of help from posels though. In fact she told me how to do all of it. 

SexiglassesSNOG - heehee, I like "Gingey bought it me" too! 

Lollipop of doom - the miseriosity of finishing the 4th book was awful - I wanted it to last for ever, it made me laugh so much! 

Zen Tears - thankyou! Your review made me really happy, : ) 


	5. Tadpoles and Questions

Disclaimer: I didn't think up any of the characters in this story - I have borrowed them from Louise Rennison to create my own unique and original, witty and hilarious story line. However, as I have already said, Ms Rennison has no claim whatsoever to Mr Twiggy (Though I agree she has some pretty similar characters.) 

A/N: Sorry - the delay in updating is mainly because of 

1) Christmas 

2)Star Wars Jedi Academy, my brothers computer game, the noise from which is making it bloody difficult to do 

3) My biology project, and 

4)My other fanfic, A Thousand Eyes, which I've got a bit carried away with because I've been writing it for months and I just want to upload it all now. 

Never mind, it's here now, so.... ENJOY! 

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Chapter 5 - Tadpoles and Questions 

Wednesday 22 June 

10.00am Sitting at the back of biology. Learning about a rabbit's digestive system. I did my excellent impression of a lockjaw germ but our cover teacher Miss Hayweth didn't like it much. 

10.01am Shame really. 

10.20am Feeling a bit worn out with all this hard work. I might have a little snooze actually. You know, have a dream about snogging the Sex God, that sort of thing. 

I really think I should go and see Dr Clooney about snogging withdrawal. Its critically damaging my health. After every party (the sort where you stay up til 6 in the morning and stagger home drunk) my eyes are all puffed up and my cheeks are colourless. My head hurts a bit too. It comes from watching everyone else on the planet snog someone while you are left alone at the bar for hours on end. 

10.25am Mmmm......... Robbie........ 

Maybe I'll just lean back a little........ 

10.45am I am outside Slim's office, apparently in disgrace. It's hard to look ashamed when you're cracking up though. 

It turns out that the Blodge teachers were thick enough to put a huge glass tank of tadpoles behind the back bench. Why can't they put them in a pond like any normal person? 

But I suppose if you dedicate your whole life to torturing innocent party-goers in concentration camps (schools) by making them examine bits of slime and frog guts you can't really be called normal, can you? 

Anyway, I was just taking a break and leaning back for a bit on my chair, when the top of my head smashed into the glass tank. I've got little shards of glass in my hair AND there's blood running down my cheek. Not a pretty sight, I can assure you. If the Laugh saw me now he'd scarper quick. My hair is dripping with slimy water. 

_Sacre_ bloody _bleu_. There's even a tadpole swimming about in it. 

As soon as Slim has told me what she'd like to do to me, but can't because it is an illegal punishment at present, and dolled out the usual fifty lines or so instead (probably "I must not break tadpole tanks". Pathetic.), I get escorted to hospital. I keep trying to tell them that it's just a few cuts here and there but they won't listen. 

12.00am Hospital. Mutti and Vati just stormed in. I thought Vati was going to explode, he was redder than... Er.... Something very red, anyway. It's just as well he didn't explode, this whole thing is _tres_ embarrass_ment_. without fleshy bits of Vati all over the walls.SHUT UP, BRAIN!!! 

12.05am Apparently I have mild concussion but _cette une_ lie, I have nothing more than smudged lip gloss. The hilariosity of it all is making me feel like I'M about to explode. 

SHUT UP... 

02.00pm Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

She shoots, she scores!!! 

02.01pm I am officially_ une_ invalid. As I have 'concussion' I am forbidden to go to school for 2 days! 

Hawkeye is fuming. I can literally see smoke coming out of her ears. 

03.30pm Jas said, "Well, I think it's terrible, first you fall asleep and then you get to skive off school. Not to mention all those poor tadpoles you killed." 

"Jas, nobody cares about tadpoles. Anyway, I'm not skiving, it's for my health." 

"I wonder what Robbie would say if he knew you were smashing up tadpole tanks in his absence." 

She stood there, twiddling her fringe absent mindedly, wittering on about tadpoles. 

God, I hate it when she does this. 

Shut up, fringey. 

08.30pm I just found a card for me on the doorstep. Excitement! Thankfully I snatched it up before Angus could attack it. I wonder who it's from. 

08.32pm _Triple merde_ with knobs on. My red bottom is pounding with red bottomosity. 

The card says, 

Hey gorgeous, 

Get well soon! I wouldn't want you to have concussion on our date. Don't go breaking any more tadpole tanks, OK? 

Dave 

PS I've got all these images of you smashing up tanks with your head. 

PPS The whole thing sounds pretty bloody hilarious actually. 

PPPS Maybe I should try it sometime. 

3 days until my date with the Laugh. 

10.15pm Robbie wouldn't think it was "pretty bloody hilarious", he'd think it showed no maturiosity at all. 

10.16pm But he is a Sex God, so that makes up for it. 

10.17pm But Dave the Laugh is, well, a laugh. And a really good nip libbler. And he dumped Ellen for me. 

10.18pm But I love Robbie!!! 

10.19pm Don't I? 

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Heehee! Thank you once again to all my reviewers, they are: 

Bluepower10 : Thank you, I wasn't sure whether to put Libby's song in but I'm glad you like it! 

Winged Seraphim : You sound as if you really know what you're talking about! Your comments were really helpful. I know that Georgia doesn't say the f- word in the books but I couldn't resist putting it in. 

Artemisgirl: Well, I really don't want to get beaten up with a wet noodle, so... Here it is! 

SpriteREMIXgirl: Life isn't fair! If it were I would be married to Aragorn, Faramir, Jack Sparrow AND Will Turner. Thank you so much, anyway! 

Apple crisp: Interesting name. I would hate to be responsible for you collapsing or something which is why I've put Dave the Laugh in this chapter. 

Lillypebbles: I tried to join your group but it didn't quite work. 

Melissa-lee 1: I know Jas can be stupid but actually I think she's much cleverer than Georgia. She's a sort of perfect person which is why Georgia finds her so annoying. She is totally faithful to Tom, tells him everything and has a totally stable relationship, she doesn't like torturing Elvis Attwood, she isn't biased against Wet Lindsay, she has a really tidy bedroom... This is how I see her, anyway. No offence meant, and none taken from your review. 

Medaangel: You really should read the books you know, they're fantastic! 

KittyCatBlack: Cool name. Very cool indeed. 

Becky41: Couldn't agree more, regan certainly is a dumb ass. 

SexiglassesSNOG: Thank you for being my most devoted reviewer, you are unbelievably cool with a capital C! 

Thanks everyone! I will (hopefully) update soon! 

Dancingmango xxx 


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